What i really wanna ~??

Sunday might just be another usual day which i would have prepare myself to accompany my parents + younger bro for the sunday morning prayer at Soka Tampinese HQ. But this time, there's more meaning to it... It's about my personal challenge to pull back myself through the chanting of nam-myoho-renge-kyo after the recent blunder in my love life.

To many might wonder, ur're really sure Chand is really into religion or just to go there & see mei mei .. attending sunday prayer ?? Actually not really... the initial intention is to try spend some quality time with mum, dad & my younger bro . .. boy ~! waking up at 7+am every sunday is no joke for a urban lamer like me as what most of us always says .. SUNDAY LEH .. WANNA SLEEP MORE ..

Normally after the morning gongyo, we can be found at the coffeeshop nearby HQ having breakfast with the usual group whom mum & dad would hangout with. They will chat heartily on almost anything while waiting for the food to be serve. I don't really like seating down there for hours, but seeing my parents esp. dad is having a great time there. ... by the way, dad's circle of friends has shrunk since the day he went for ops & quit drinking hence think most of his so call acquaintances had stopped asking him out .. Thinking of this, it's kinda makes me feel .. "ok .. so long they are happy, don't rush them to finish their food & push them to hit the road early. " So the damage is hours of seating there listening to their coffeeshop "politics" ~!!

My bro & mum also setup a dialogue for me with Chang Quan during the breakfast session. Normal can the dialogue be at first, when he start asking how's life recently .. i paused awhile & said .. "I'm fine .. job .. doing so so ... & oh .. just broke off with my gf last 2 weeks ago." Well as expected, he would says & asked most of people will says don take it too hard & so on ... but one sentence he asked really gave a knock to my thought. "Do i really know what i want for my life ? What is my mission for being in this world ?" .. Since last few weeks of some reflection, i still cannot answer this question as in what i really wants for my life .. so in short , for 28 years.. i have been living without a goal. Thoughts of her sudden appears in my mind & i replied him "i won't be what i am without her around for the past 6 + years. She has been my source of motivation for who i am now."

We chatted for quite some time & some of his comments still linger in my mind like, "have i really use my heart to do & feel things ? The recent setback might have been a good thing for you as now at least you know how shallow you have been living & it's time to really use your heart to feel & think instead of your mind only ", he qouted. "Your relationship might also be the same case as you failed to use my heart to make it stronger hence it's not surprising to see the breakoff." To all extend , i would say i agreed with all he mentioned & told him, yes .. and it's too late for me to relize it while i could have done much more better.

To be honest , if not for the recent blunder, i wouldn't have relized actually i'm surrounded with people who really cares & loves me as much & are always ready to give unlimited support & that i actually failed to relize & took them for granted till this very morning. Sad to say but it's true .. you can called me kinda bastard for putting my relationship before them. Never will they crosse my mind when everything are happening so brilliantly & when hardship arrives, peculiarly .. they always shows up without fail to lift me back from the point i fall. Well .. at least i know now rather than never.

Deep in my heart , i'm really very thankful for what they have done for me in the past weeks & i'm ready to take this challenge of my life. Lastly , now i really understand what's it really takes to love someone. It's not necessary to have or own her by your side, by letting her go free & happy is also one way to love.